Hello everyone and welcome back to the rip roaring good time known as Beyond The Battlebox! It's been a long, boring week, but we are finally back. We rejoin our show here on October 11th, 2000 with more Quarter-Final action as Grant Imahara's Deadblow takes on Team Malicious' Alien Gladiator in the Middleweight division. Also in the Middleweight division, Derek Young's Pressure Drop faces off with John McKenzie's Ankle Biter. And in the main event it's Super Heavyweight warfare as Team Cool Robots' now-weaponless Minion fights Team Malicious' other entrant, Grendel.
Let's do it, to it!
A HEAVY METAL PARTY
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| Check out the fancy new logo! I'll be using it in all future posts! |
"There's a heavy metal party going on in Fort Mason, and an appetite for destruction is your invitation." Sean Salisbury wasting no time with dropping liquid hot bars before throwing to Bil Dwyer. Bil starts talking but who cares what he says, there's a lower third advert for THAT'S MY BUSH! airing live after South Park on Wednesdays.
I went to look up things about the show, and came to discover that the show didn't start airing until 2001. In fact, as of the airing of this episode, George Bush hadn't even won the 2000 election yet. It's completely likely that this recording was taken from a repeat of this episode that aired after April 2001, but I far prefer to believe that That's My Bush caused a time paradox and the tear in the space time continuum is the same tear that Gamma 9 fell into, bringing it into the future.
Before I can tweet Neil DeGrasse Tyson to explain what the fuck is going on, Bil Dwyer throws to a builder bio on Grant Imahara.
MEET GRANT IMAHARA: BABY MYTHBUSTER AND LOCAL BADASS
Grant Imahara, long before he got paid by Discovery to spend 27 seasons hanging out with Adam Savage blowing shit up, was here in Battlebots, cutting his teeth in the Middleweight division with his four-wheeled drive poker of doom known as Deadblow. Grant has basically built everything from your childhood. Energizer Bunny? R2D2 in the prequels? This fucking Middleweight? That's right, all built by this loveable maniac.
Here, we see Grant in his natural habitat, an abandoned warehouse, where he's seen riding Deadblow. We see Grant play chicken with the wall, riding Deadblow to his seemingly immediate doom, but little do we know, that wall was actually a portal that transports Grant to nearest Home Depot.
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| Quick! To the Grant-Cave! [Whirly graphic and horn noise] |
Once he's in the Home Depot, we see Grant picking through random tools, declaring a circular saw good enough to kill Hazard and Pressure Drop, before just taking the piss by grabbing a grinder and threatening Knee Breaker with it. I don't know where Knee Breaker is, but the image of Grant holding an angle grinder probably jostles it awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
Grant gets confused by some random tool and then starts getting horny while playing with axes. Right before he gets thrown out for sensually moaning in the middle of aisle seven while playing with a sledgehammer, Grant finds a claw hammer labeled the Death Stick and creams himself before we cut away.
FIGHT NUMBER ONE: DEADBLOW VS. ALIEN GLADIATOR
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| Bil Fact: Grant Imahara is one of several builders who work for George Lucas' ILM (Industrial Light & Magic) |
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| Bil Fact: Alien Gladiator was built by Daniel Rupert and his students at a high school in San Diego. The students drive and operate Alien Gladiator while Daniel tends to his Super Heavyweight, Grendel |
Our inaugural contest is Quarter-Final action in the Middleweight division and is between Deadblow and Alien Gladiator. First is Deadblow, built by the previously mentioned Grant Imahara and is powered with an insanely fast pickaxe. The axe usually doesn't do too much damage but it does score up tons of points during a fight.
The robot playing the mole in this game of Whack-A-Mole is Alien Gladiator. Built by Grendel's Daniel Rupert and his high school students, Alien Gladiator is a box with about a mile of ground clearance and a chain flail on the back.
Due to competing at Long Beach 1999, Deadblow recieved a bye to the Round of 16, meanwhile Alien Gladiator defeated The Emasculator by forfeit (it was a Team Wetware bot, of course it was by forfeit.) This is the first fight of the tournament for both machines so let's see how it went.
The horn sounds and Deadblow cruises over to Alien Gladiator and starts swinging. The sound effect guy kicks it into maximum overdrive as Deadblow starts to beat the everliving shit out of Alien Gladiator. Long before busting myths, Grant Imahara was busting some heads.
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| *boop* |
Deadblow's swinging actually causes it to break it's own arm off and fling it across the floor. The referees are too busy laughing their asses off to count Alien Gladiator out but one eventually recovers long enough to end the fight.
WINNER: DEADBLOW (KO)
Deadblow landed 25 shots in 1:08 (allegedly). A Sklar feeds Grant a dick joke but Grant is too cool for such goober humor. Sklar proves that he doesn't listen as he asks Grant if Deadblow can fight without an axe 5 seconds after Grant said he has a spare.
We see Donna with the kids from Alien Gladiator, and she attempts to land a pecker joke as well but it fails miserably.
We see Derek Young thinking about that cute girl he saw at the Ace Hardware before showing up as Pressure Drop looks on and we go to commercial.
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| "In 20 years, I'm gonna piss so many people off with my judging" |
We return with a random shot of Alcatraz and we're straight into the next fight. We get a replay of Pressure Drop kicking Subject Changed For Plenty Of Goddamn Reasons in the face about an hour after the fight ended. Unfortunately for it, it isn't fighting an immobile object (as long as it avoids the walls, the kill saws and the pulverizers) in Ankle Biter.
FIGHT NUMBER TWO: PRESSURE DROP VS ANKLE BITER
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| Bil Fact: Derek Young is working on a new bot called Gerbil-Bot that is powered by a live gerbil on a track ball |
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| Bil Fact: John McKenzie also has a Super Heavyweight named Odin that lost in the preliminaries to Ronin |
Our next battle is in the Middleweight division to determine who faces Deadblow in the Semi-Finals, and it's between Pressure Drop and Ankle Biter. Last time we saw Pressure Drop, it made Subject To Poking With Reason Bradley cry Senpai. It's a big walker with a rock chisel on a turret. It isn't the quickest robot, but unfortunately for it, it's fighting one that is relatively known for it's agility.
Gnawing on it's builder's feet in the blue square is the rabid chihuahua known as Ankle Biter. Ankle Biter is a another fucking wedge vert a two wheeled wedge with a sawblade poking out from it. The idea is that, as Ankle Biter gets under a robot, the saw will chew up the underside of the machine (as the bottom is typically the least armored section of a robot.) Case in point, Pressure Drop has practically zero armor under it, so Ankle Biter being able to clip the legs out from under it is a hell of a tactical advantage.
(By the way, if you're curious, Ankle Biter received a bye as it fought at Long Beach 99, same as Deadblow from the last fight.)
The fight begins and Pressure Drop begins it's Hamburglar-esque lurch across the floor. Ankle Biter casually cruises behind Pressure Drop and runs it entirely across the arena floor. Pressure Drop swings at nothing and nails the floor as Ankle Biter potentially shows driving issues as all it does is spin in place. All Ankle Biter had to do was not be a stationary object, but fortunately for it, it was doing sweet donuts and Pressure Drop misses another cheap shot by about 8 feet.
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| Pictured: Ankle Biter performing a colonoscopy on Pressure Drop |
Ankle Biter finally figures out which direction "forward" is and charges Pressure Drop again and we see that Pressure Drop has added belly armor to the underside of it. Ankle Biter resumes it's donuts but gets his ass clipped by the kill saws because Pete Lambertson doesn't appreciate little shits that celebrate too much.
Pressure Drop hits the floor again and Ankle Biter runs it into the wall because Ankle Biter is suddenly the floor's protector. Unfortunately, the wall doesn't share the love because after another hit, Ankle Biter gets jammed up stuck under the arena wall. Pressure Drop slowly claws it's way off the wall but Ankle Biter is completely unmoving. The ref counts it out and the crowd boos Derek Young for being a pile of shit heel.
This would be the last time Derek Young would ever be booed for anything ever.
WINNER: PRESSURE DROP ("REFEREE STOPPAGE DUE TO IMMOBILITY")
Donna interviews Derek Young but literally nothing is said before we see the gigantic Grendel being tended to backstage and we're off to commercial.
Coming back we see a shot of the harbor and Team Cool Robots fucking around with the guts of Minion. We're readying up for the Super Heavyweights as Minion and Grendel go at it to see who faces Rammstein. Minion cheated the shit out of a judge's decision against Grey Matter and Grendel avenged the greatest Super Heavyweight in Battlebots history World Peace by killing Diesector.
We get a Bill Nye segment on Grendel. Bill explains that Grendel uses a spring loaded "sledgehammer" before making a Beowulf reference and laughing at his own joke.
MAIN EVENT: MINION VS. GRENDEL
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| Bil Fact: Christian Carlberg is a veteran and has a Master's Degree in Engineering from Cornell University |
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| Bil Fact: Daniel Rupert was an aerospace engineer before becoming a CAD teacher |
Our main event is between two big boys as Minion fights Grendel. Minion was last seen getting face fucked by Gray Matter and is going into this fight with a toy chainsaw as it's fireman's rescue saw exploded. Fortunately for Minion, it's still a six-wheel drive tank with a big ass wedge on the back.
Minion may be cool and all, but it isn't the 2000 Battle of San Diego winner, because that belongs to the rolling garage door across from it. Grendel harnessed the power of World Peace and beat the shit out of Diesector in vengeance. However, because World Peace is a lifeline that can only be drawn upon once a season, it's now going it alone against Minion.
The buzzer hits and it takes ten seconds to make first contact. Minion and Grendel proceed to move like two turtles in a turf war as Bil babbles on about Minion's speed. I haven't taken any shots at Bil recently so let's take a moment here to say that he's only aware of two moments in his life, being the one that he's in and the one that he just left.
During my sick, Xbox Live burn on Bil, Minion runs Grendel into the wall and Grendel axes Minion, essentially going into a headlock. The dragon drags Minion but soon it's the dragon being dragged as the dragon-dragger drags the dragon-dragged into the ram rods, which separates them.
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| Pictured: A dragon-dragger dragging a dragon-dragee, 2000 |
Minion continues to bully Grendel's slow ass as Grendel misses another shot. Minion carries it to the saws and the wall. Time runs out as Minion teases one last shot.
WINNER: MINION (JUDGE'S DECISION, 7-2)
Minion didn't use it's chainsaw at all, so I don't know how it scored any points. Grendel was robbed and you all know it.
We see some seals having an orgy on a barge and go to commercial.
We come back and rundown what just happened. Donna doesn't know what to do with her hands and a Sklar rubs the salt into Grendel by gifting him magnetic poetry. The Hit of the Week is Deadblow blowing it's own cock off on Alien Gladiator and we're out.
Thank you all for reading another week of Beyond The Battlebox. Last week's episode brought us to over 1,000 page views total, so I genuinely thank you for that. Next week is the Lightweight Championship, so we'll be crowning our first champion.
Meanwhile, Battlebots 2020 is underway but I lack any way to gain screengrabs of it, so unfortunately I cannot do any reviews for it. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to contact me. We have a Facebook now! Look for @BeyondTheBattlebox. Next week's is the last of the year as I'm going on Christmas vacation until the new year.
Thank you once again, this has been Yin Yang, and until next time, farewell.
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