Battlebots 1.0 Episode 3 | Beyond The Battlebox
Hello everyone! And welcome back to a special late night edition of Beyond The Battlebox blog, where we chronologically critique robot combat (except we don't because if we did, I would've started with the '95 US Robot Wars.) Yin Yang here and I want to quickly thank everyone who has read and enjoyed them. It's been a fun journey so far and we're just getting started.
This week's Battlebots originally aired on September 13th, 2000 and what an episode it is. A lightweight fight featuring a future star builder, a middleweight battle between two modern day Battlebots personalities, and a heavyweight main event contested between two legends of the sport. So let's do it, to it!
Get ready for the next battle!
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| Furious headbanging: engaged |
Don't look at the intro video this week, because there's a giant shot of Vlad vs Tazbot dead center of the screen. After our weekly spoiler alert, we're welcomed by Bil and Sean. Bil gets annoyed at sailors being present at a port (at least he didn't hit the "seamen" joke.) Sean shows he can count to three before Bil explains how Battlebots works for the third week in a row before throwing to our first fight.
FIGHT NUMBER ONE: SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT REASON VS. PRESSURE DROP
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| There is no way in Hell I'm writing that out every single time |
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| "...daddy?" -Chomp, 2020 |
Whatever Things Are Without Reason has a fight in front of it in the form of the Canadian and his walking bed frame called Pressure Drop. Derek Young is a name familiar to Battlebots fans, no matter how recent. If you're a dinosaur like me, you know him for his lightweight champion Son of Smashy (which was actually recycled into Pressure Drop) and his awesome Middleweight Complete Control. Newer fans will know the grabby boi for being a Goddamn cheater with a net and also he's now a judge.
Bil shows off his geography classes by confirming that British Columbia is in Canada before we go to Bill Nye for more on Pressure Drop. Bill goes over Pressure Drop having six legs and "a regulated 60 atmosphere liquid Co2 tank" and a 270 degree rotating turret armed with a titanium rock chisel. Pressure Drop is also 170 pounds due to pre-Whyachi walker weight allowance.
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| *insert that girl in the Bernie Sanders shirt dancing here* |
The fight begins as Pressure Drop begins it's waddling and Subject Changes Within Reason charges into it. Subject Is Immune To Change runs between Pressure Drop's legs like a kid escaping comically oversize bullies in a cartoon and Pressure Drop spikes the arena floor. Big Changes To The Subject smacks Pressure Drop again, and again Pressure Drop boops the floor instead.
We get a shot of Randy Eubanks saying a naughty before we get a shot of Subject Is On Fire For No Reason bellowing smoke for no reason. Pressure Drop does it's best impression of me as 13 year old trying to get into Gamestop 4 minutes before they close and starts stumbling across the floor at Subject Is Dead Without Conflict.
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| oh lawd he comin |
The referee calls the bell as Pressure Drop whiffs a cheap shot on a stationary object. Pressure Drop realigns and gives Subject Gets Fucked For Good Reason a smack on the head about 20 seconds after the buzzer. The crowd boos as Bil Dwyer yells that the crowd loves it. We go to replays and get the result.
WINNER: PRESSURE DROP (KNOCKOUT, 1:21)
Bil coins Derek Young as "Dirty Derek" before saying Premature Subjeculation should've "sacked it up". Salisbury Steak knocks out the first sex joke by sending to D'onna D'errico. Randy Eubanks tries to keep from punching her before we get a Sklar with Derek. The Sklar baits the hell out of Derek before we see a salty Randy Eubanks point out the hole in Subject Is Clearly More Ventilated With Reason after Pressure Drop smacked it with it's long, hard arm.
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| "Show me on the robot where the bad man poked you" |
Randy drops a bleep and Bil's innocent ears are now ruined. Bil and Sean get into an argument about rules as we see Fon Davis wield Mouser Mecha Catbot as the world's sickest chakram and we head to commercial as Salisbury says Shaft is going to "bitch slap" Mouser. At least, I think that's what he said.
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| The new Captain America film looking great |
Sean hypes up the next fight between two Lightweights. Sean throws to Bil, which is never a great idea.
FIGHT NUMBER TWO: MOUSER MECHA-CATBOT VS. SHAFT
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| PINK is the color of her Mouser face BLUE- |
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| A rolling dick joke |
Our next fight is between two Lightweights in Mouser Mecha-Catbot and Shaft. Mouser Mecha-Catbot (no relation to the Mouser that sponsores HUGE in modern Battlebots as far as I know) is a pink dome (or hemi-sphere as Bil calls it) with three main weapons, a side mounted flipping "door" a saw blade on it's face and a saw blade on it's ass. Builder Fon Davis is a judge in modern day Battlebots, but long before that he was the master of being hurled by the Kill Saws.
Facing Mouser in it's blue kitty cat eyes is Shaft, built by Rik Winter. While Rik Winter might not ring any bells, his daughter Lisa and her giant ladybug Tentomushi will. Lisa is also a judge on modern Battlebots and last competed with Mega Tento in 2016 and Plan X in 2015. Shaft is a gangly looking thing with a loose bracket on the front with some sharp bits.
The fight starts with the Hell Raisers offering it's stunt jumps but nobody is interested. It takes a solid 35 seconds before first contact is made and it's Shaft ramming it's shaft between Mouser's eyes. Mouser bucks Shaft off then tries to throw it over. Bil calls Shaft's weapon a "cold rolled steel spike"
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| I want to believe |
Mouser chases Shaft into the wall before Shaft shafts Mouser into the wall, and crams it's shaft in Mouser's teeth. Shaft backs up for another shot and does it's best Grave Digger impression by ramping off Mouser and into the lexan. Salisbury tries to dumb down the word "armor" for Bil by calling Mouser's armor "a metal outer core." Bil shrugs it off as we get a beautiful shot of the limp dick known as the Pulverizer as it barely taps Shaft's wheel.
Mouser mistimes a flip as Shaft approaches and Shaft gets caught under the flipping panel. Mouser takes the opportunity to drive Shaft over the Kill Saws before Shaft frees itself. Shaft's gangly ass wedges itself up Mouser's nose one last time as the fight ends.
WINNER: MOUSER MECHA-CATBOT (JUDGE'S DECISION, 6-3)
Bil calls himself a numbers guy before we see Doc Hutson carting Tazbot towards the arena (with a cameo appearance from Dr. Inferno Jr) and we're off to ads.
We see Vlad up on it's ass end as we're back with Gage inspecting it's underside. Bil teases controversy in the next fight before calling Vlad "hard bodied". Sean says that Vlad is being called "the best Heavyweight ever" and Bil teases Gage building a Super Heavyweight (oh boy does he) as we get a builder bio on Gage Cauchois and Gregg Walker.
SIMPLE FAMILY MAN GAGE CAUCHOIS
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| tfw u impale just rite |
The builder bio opens up with shots of Gage and Gregg driving around Vlad as the music from the "gone to find myself before the penultimate fight" scene in every bad 80s martial arts movie plays in the background. Gage says that Vlad came around when he got some money and got bored and wanted to build another robot.
We get a disturbing shot of Gregg that lingers forever before Gage reveals he wanted Vlad's forks to be electric. Gregg came up with the idea of using Co2, and allegedly taught Gage how to use it before we cut to a Co2 bottle farting on Gage. Gage questions if Gregg still cares about what he's fighting for before we go to our main event.
MAIN EVENT: VLAD THE IMPALER VS TAZBOT
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| Vlad The Imapler -Mystrsyko |
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| Literally my favorite Heavyweight of all time |
MC Marky Mark is back with his dang fedangled rapping before Vlad fires it's weapon a foot from the cameraman. The horn sounds and Vlad begins to charge. It immediately backs down as Tazbot follows it into one of the floor hazards. Vlad gets a small lift as Salisbury Steak postulates what the Kill Saws can do to Vlad.
Vlad tries it's hand at slamming it's face into Tazbot and immediately regrets the decision as Tazbot lifts Vlad off the floor. Tazbot tries to drive the 205 pound Impaler to the Saws but can't get it all the way on before he's forced to release. Tazbot chases Vlad down and tries another lift but Vlad gets under Tazbot and throws it over.
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| I've fallen, and I can't get up |
Tipping Tazbot over isn't enough for Vlad, as Gage's vicious bloodlust overtakes him and he drives Tazbot all the way from downtown into the lexan. This move flips Tazbot back over but Vlad immediately takes him back to the wall. Vlad tries to take Tazbot to the saws but overturns Taz instead. Vlad bangs a donk on Tazbot's head again and flips it back over.
Tazbot begins putting on a smoke show as it basically vanishes into a cloud of fog. Sean makes a Cheech and Chong reference but Tazbot continues without issue, though it's arm is stuck upwards. Vlad scoops Tazbot up and takes it to the wall so hard that Tazbot falls behind Vlad. Vlad throws it in reverse and slams Tazbot into the floor spikes as they pop up, flipping Tazbot again.
Vlad powers Tazbot into the wall one last time as the buzzer sounds and Vlad sits in the center of the arena. The crowd rewards Vlad's dominance with a standing ovation as we go to replays. Bil makes a floppy dick joke about Tazbot's tail.
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| menacing.png |
WINNER: VLAD THE IMPALER (JUDGE'S DECISION, 9-0)
D'onna lands a shaft control joke on Gage, but Gage does not have time for puny mortal blonde woman's phallus jokes. Gage explains Gregg is the weapon operator as Sean says goodbye. Hit of the Week goes to Vlad hurling Tazbot over.
Thank you all for reading this week's late night installment of Beyond The Battlebox. Reminder that Battlebots returns December 3rd, so be sure to show it some love so we can keep it on the air. Next week's episode is sure to be a happening with some great robots fighting.
One last shout out to the Fighting Robot Archives on Youtube for providing all of this footage. See you next week. Until next time, farewell.
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