Battlebots 1.0 Episode 2 | Beyond The Battlebox
Welcome back to the Beyond The Battlebox review! Last week's episode was met with overwhelmingly positive reviews and plenty of constructive criticism. To everyone who read the article and contacted me to give feedback, I thank you. I know some of what was said last week seemed too forced (or so I was told), but hopefully things feel a little more natural as we progress (this is still very much a learning experience for me).
Last week on Battlebots 1.0, Ziggo resisted the baptism by The Missing Link before beating it back to Jerusalem, Mauler became Nightmare's (and the arena spike strip's) worst nightmare, and in the main event Overkill and Frenzy collected an outstanding debt from the arena floor.
(By the way yes, I'm aware that this is technically the third episode of season 1.0, I skipped the pilot but I may go back and do it at the end of the season.) So let's go see what happened on September 6th, 2000! (Big ups to the Fighting Robot Archive once again for compiling the entirety of the Comedy Central run!)
ROUND TWO, FIGHT
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| Round Two! |
We open with a rundown of tonight's card, a continuation of opening round fights in the heavyweight and super heavyweight classes with Voltarc vs Bender, Killerhurtz vs Knome II and in the main event, Minion takes on Gray Matter. Cue the sweet intro music and we're under way. Salisbury Steak and Mini Guy Fieri welcome us to the venue, before Bil Dwyer starts explaining how a tournament works.
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| BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL |
Sean runs down the crew once again, D'eonna D'errico, The Sklar Brothers, and Bill Nye The Science Guy. Bil Dwyer continues by explaining all of the rules again, just in case you missed it last week. As Stan Lee once said "every comic is someone's first", after all. Salisbury Steak perfectly transitions to our first fight, between a big shiny wedge and a robot built in Robot Arena 2, by throwing to Bill Nye for more on Bender.
Bill starts off by being wrong, stating that Bender's weapon is a saw blade. Saws have more than two teeth last time I checked but to Bill's credit, Bender does gain a real saw blade in about 4 seasons. Bill also claims that Bender's weapon spins at 1600 RPM, but no photographic evidence of this exists.
We see Team Tatar wheeling Bender up to tech inspection as Stephen Felk bullies them out of the way with Voltarc. We then transition to a builder bio on Voltarc.
MEET: STEPHEN FELK
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| Coming to you live from the electronics section of a Goodwill |
Bil starts off with a Mr Rodgers reference as we see Stephen Felk cross a street with some metal in San Francisco. Hard cut to Stephen sitting in his kitchen surrounded by random shit. Stephen justifies living in a Radio Shack dumpster by explaining that he is a sculptor. And that his sculptures are fighting robots.
Stephen laments about how violent robot combat is, while seemingly getting more and more aroused. Stephen rambles a bit more before jokingly (hopefully) stating he'll name his son Voltarc. Stephen ends by saying he has no life, but at least he has a robot to show for it.
I'm sure somewhere, Voltarc Felk is happy to see where he was conceived.
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| "What are you doing in my room?" |
FIGHT NUMBER ONE: VOLTARC VS. BENDER
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| Remember this robot for future reference |
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| bite my shiny metal ass or something idk i dont watch family guy |
We kick things off hot and heavy in the heavyweight division with Bender and Voltarc, but not before Salisbury Steak tries to talk over Mark Beiro. Mark soldiers on because he doesn't give a shit what Sean has to say. Mark calls Voltarc a "killer shark", Sean calls it "thick" and Bil calls it "cheese". We're off to a great start.
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| Fezzes are cool. |
The fight starts and Voltarc is across the entire arena floor before Bender even leaves it's square. Bender hits it's top speed of 7 miles per hour before Voltarc waltzes up and knocks Bender's castor wheel off, which means that the spinner no longer has the angle needed to hit anything. Sean exclaims that Bender has been castrated and Bil's mind is blown.
Bender reaches mach -91 speeds on it's disc as Sean ignores my previous point about angles. Bil, who was paying attention, proceeds to roast Sean about his ignorance. Bender almost gets thrown over as a pop up of Stephen Felk talking about the violence of humanity plays. Stephen ends his soliloquy by comparing Battlebots to football and this infuriates Salisbury Football.
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| And thus, a legacy was born |
Bil starts getting excited at Voltarc's "backing up and ramming" as it continues beating Bender into the wall. Voltarc gets one last lift on Bender and drags it to the middle of the floor as time runs out and we go to replays. Stephen Felk almost headbutts the camera.
WINNER: VOLTARC (JUDGE'S DECISION, 9-0)
After the fight, Bil buries the living shit out of Bender by saying it needs "major design changes", little does he know where in for god knows how many fights with this thing. The cameras catch Stephen Felk carting Voltarc back to the pits. Felk says that the win was "ugly and lame, but it was a win." Fair enough. The cameraman "takes the piss" (for Americans, that means "jokingly insult") by asking Stephen if there's any damage to Voltarc. Take a guess if there was.
They then cut to Team Tartar wheeling Bender away. Eric Stolken and his partner talk over each other while trying to explain that the castor fell off. Thank you Eric Stolken.
Afterwards, just before the break, we see John Reid and crew pushing Killerhurtz into the arena, for it's fight against Knome II. Bil proves he was paying attention by saying "those guys look like they're British" as a 205 pound robot with a giant Union Jack on it is wheeled into the arena 5 seconds after Sean Salisbury brings up they're British. Thank you Bil Dwyer.
After the break, Sean says that this fight "should be inspiration to the youth of America" as Jerome Miles (yes, THAT Jerome Miles) is only 15 years old. Bil says that when he was 15, he was "rolling bums for spare change." I don't know if that's supposed to sound like he was taking it in the keister for a quarter but it certainly doesn't NOT sound like that.
We go to Jason Sklar, who baits the shit out of Jerome with the "ask a lot of yes/no questions really fast" gimmick.
FIGHT NUMBER TWO: KILLERHURTZ VS. KNOME II
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| Absolutely Wonderful |
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| 20 years later, Jerome Miles would build Red Devil |
The next fight is in the Heavyweight division, as John Reid's Killerhurtz takes on Jerome Miles' Knome II. Robot Wars fans should recognize Killerhurtz for that one time it suicided into the pit because John Reid forgot there was a pit. Reid can be spotted competing in this year's Battlebots with Beta, which is also a polycarbonate hammer bot. Reid also competed in the reboot of Robot Wars with Terrorhurtz, which is also a polycarbonate hammer bot.
Across from the arena floor is 15 year old Jerome Miles, seen here long before murdering Witch Doctor in front of her son Shaman, with Knome II, which looks like a bundle of shit you'd find failing to defeat a stack of cinder blocks on Robot Wars Series 1. Bil says Knome II is "armed literally with a shovel". That's good, it can dig it's own hole for Jerome to throw it into after we're done here.
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| ":O" |
After Mark's introduction of Killerhurtz, Sean brings up that Killerhurtz has two different drivers on it's team (one is the weapons operator) and asks Bil if he likes two versus one. Bil, still horny from last week, replies with a "sure." Mark says that Knome II has "a head for destruction and a shovel full of hate" before Bil makes a Metallica joke that doesn't land.
What does land is Killerhurtz, who is in Knome II's face 5 seconds after the horn sounds. Killerhurtz decapitates Knome II before spiking it in the dick. John Reid laughs at a 15 year old before continuing to beat the shit out of Knome II. Bil makes a Home Alone II: Lost in New York reference 8 years after it's release and this kills Salisbury Steak.
Killerhurtz gets bored of Knome II and decides to go fight the arena. Killerhurtz charges the corner and gets wedged under the wall. Killerhurtz continues the job Mauler, Overkill and Frenzy started last week and starts interrogating the Pulverizer for money.
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| "Where's the money, Lebowski?" |
The ref counts out presumably Killerhurtz and the fight ends, despite Knome II being dead for the last minute and a half. Bil yells about robot busses as we go to the shortest replays in history. After Knome II is forced to relive it's own death for a thousand years, we get the decision.
WINNER: KILLERHURTS (KNOCKOUT, 1:03)
Randy Sklar makes a Henry VIII joke with John Reid, who gives the most polite pity laugh ever recorded. We then go to Donna D'Erico, who continues to bully Jerome Miles. Donna offers a kiss, only to kiss Knome II's decapitated head, opening Bil up to land the easiest joke in history with "there's an internet site devoted to Donna kissing helmets." Get it? She likes to suck dick!
We get a shot of Minion on the workbench as we head to commercials.
We come back to see Israel Mathewson quickly working on Grey Matter, but Bil is bored and demands fighting. Salisbury Steak reigns him back in with discussion. Sean mentions Minion is the number one ranked Super Heavyweight, which is correct as Minion won the Super Heavyweight tournament at the Long Beach '99 PPV, which was mere months before the tapings of this season.
Sean asks Bil if this is a mismatch, and Bil drops wisdom with "never underestimate your opponent." This is the most intelligent thing ever spoken on this show, and it's from the guy who made a porn joke 10 minutes ago. Sean throws to an interview with Christian Carlberg.
Meet: Christian Carlberg (Again, He Built Overkill And We Met Him Literally A Week Ago)
We get a shot of Minion with a toy chainsaw strapped to it, don't pay too much attention to that, followed by a quick run down of the entirety of Team Cool Robots. We meet Luke, The Pit Chief. Luke says he's the slack of the team. Next we meet Brian, The Head Mechanic. Brian supplies the garage and gets cut off by the introduction of Christian, The Captain. Brian thinks a roll cage is more important than bigger motors, which prompts Christian to use Minion to throw him into oncoming traffic.
We meet the most important member of Team Cool Robots, Jessica, who's role in the team is "Christian's Girlfriend." She says her job is to "carry the remote" and "put the stickers on the robots." We see Minion terrorize some dogs before we cut back to Christian for some quick words. The segment ends with Minion allegedly pulling three whole trucks down the street.
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| "Whatever and cool" |
FIGHT NUMBER THREE: GREY MATTER VS. MINION
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| Nothing says "Battlebots" like a 324 pound spike bot |
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| A cool robot. |
The main event of the night is in the Super Heavyweight class between Minion and Grey Matter. Grey Matter, built by Israel Mathewson, is a four wheel drive ramming bot with a shitload of speed behind it. Israel's name sounded familiar, and a quick Google search finds that he competed in the last season of Robotica with Hammerhead (not related to Battlebots Lightweight Hammerhead, or the British Robot Wars competitor Hammerhead, or the Dutch Robot Wars competitor Hammerhead) which was an articulated machine with a lifter.
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| Squad goals |
We get a neat shot of Team Minus Zero (Frenzy) and "Supreme Ruler and Master of the Universe" Morgan of Team Mauler hanging out in the stands between the two intros. Following the introduction of Grey Matter, we see a girl Comedy Central deemed as "big ol' teetahs" holding a sign that says "hi mom, send batteries." Bil knocks out another sex joke and we're underway.
Both competitors hang back, expecting the Hell Raisers to pop up, but they only do so once Grey Matter starts to rush Minion. After bouncing around the saws, Grey Matter shoves it's spike in Minion's face, causing it's saw to shatter all over the floor. Minion, realizing it's practically fucked, begins going on defense, with Gray Matter chasing it around.
Sean starts questioning if Grey Matter's spike can pierce the lexan wedge of Minion, but driver Israel Mathewson prefers to hit the squishy bits of Minion so he continues targeting the sides, hitting the frame directly, as if this is a boss fight and Minion has exposed it's giant, glowing weak spots. Minion gets sick of Grey Matter's shit and throws it in reverse before plowing into Grey Matter's face.
This proves to be a mistake as Grey Matter makes Minion cry "Senpai" by shoving it,s long, sharp pole up Minion's ass. In pure shock at this deep penetration, Minion speeds off across the Box, but Grey Matter is wedged in deep. Minion rears Grey Matter across the floor until the Killsaws free it of Grey Matter's booty plunden
ring.
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| Minion, seen here doing it's best Knome II impression |
Grey Matter continues punching Minion in the ribs as Minion tries to spin away. Minion is able to escape as Grey Matter seemingly loses drive on the right side. Minion tries to throw Grey Matter into the Killsaws, but misses and almost throws itself instead. Bil says that Grey Matter's tires are made of a "super rubber", prompting me to prepare for the sex joke. Bil holds back on the dirty comedy and Minion gets under Grey Matter, driving it hard into the wall.
The clock hits zero as Sean somehow attempts to convince the audience that Minion, the reigning Super Heavyweight champion, beating Grey Matter would be "an upset." Nobody buys that bullshit as we go to replays. Bil starts flirting with the Killsaws as we get a cool camera angle pointed up through the floor.
WINNER: MINION (JUDGES' DECISION, 7-2)
Bil sends Grey Matter off and Sean sends us off with the hit of the week, being Killerhurtz treating Knome II like French royalty and decapitating it for it's own freedom.
Thank you everyone for reading the blog! Last week was pretty cool and this one I hope is even better. This blog was literally finished mere minutes before posting, as I'm a lazy ass and hate doing things ahead of time. I hope you enjoyed, and as always, feel free to share your criticism with me. I'm still trying to find my strides, but I'm certain we'll get there soon.
Catch the newest season of Battlebots very soon on Discovery, Science Channel and, internationally, on NBC starting this December! This has been Yin Yang, and until next time, farewell.
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