Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Beyond The Battlebox, the blog where you ask "why?" and I respond with "yes." A happy belated Thanksgiving to the Americans reading the blog, hopefully you enjoyed the day eating too much and falling asleep. Festivities aside, it's time to go back in time with another episode Battlebots 1.0!
Today's episode aired on September 27th, 2000 and features two fights, one in the Heavyweight and Super Heavyweight divisions and our first Rumble in the Lightweight division, a ten-machine clusterfuck that will be impossible to commentate. I suppose we'll figure it out when we get there so let's do it to it!
AN ALL OUT ALUMINUM ORGY
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Is it the same photo? Or am I just screenshotting the exact same thing every time? The answer is yes.
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Five seconds into the episode and Salisbury Steak refers to DoAll vs SLAM as a "Heavyweight Throwdown." DoAll vs SLAM is a Super Heavyweight fight. Sean continues his momentum through Biohazard vs Mjollnir and ends on calling the main event an "aluminum orgy." We get the sweet intro video and we're off.
Bil pulls a swerve with a sexual bait and switch in his first sentence before explaining how Battlebots works. I thought we were deep enough into the season to skip this segment, given we skipped it last week, but apparently not. Sean throws to Bil to introduce the first fight before we go to a builder bio on SLAM.
STEVE AND LOWELL'S ATTACK MACHINE
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| The worst social distancing I've ever witnessed |
SLAM is a 304 pound, ICE powered shell spinner that allegedly spins at 300 miles an hour, so naturally the first shot we get is it at top speed barely 5 feet away from it's builder in a garage. Lowell Nelson refers to SLAM as a "metal carnivore." Somewhere, Robert Mazinske just sat straight up and rushed to the hardware store.
We see SLAM bounce against a rolling chassis. (Fun fact: this chassis is KISS, their original machine from Long Beach '99, sans the wedge made out of stolen street signs.) Steve Nelson drops a PETA "People Eating Tasty Animals" joke for no reason while we get even more shots of SLAM spinning so quickly it just looks like it's spinning at 100 miles an hour.
Steve says that the only thing SLAM can't break is Unobtainium. Luckily for it, we're still nine years off from James Cameron's 100 million dollar fever dream about blue people fucking through their hair.
FIGHT NUMBER ONE: DooALL VS. S.L.A.M.
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| But will it do that? |
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| Somewhere, someone I know is having an orgasm. I can feel it. |
Our inaugural contest is in the Super Heavyweight division and is contested between DooAll and SLAM. Scott LaValley's DooAll is a MASSIVE machine that has seemingly been around forever. DooAll began life in the original American Robot Wars as DooLittle in 1994, and DooMore in 1995 and 1996. DooAll is two tank treads attached to essentially a giant pneumatic pole that can tilt up and down. The producers misspelled it's name as "DoAll" on the graphic, so that should tell you how much faith they have in this one.
Sitting across the Box eating a Robotica rat or some shit is SLAM (sometimes called SLAM; The Good Guys) built by the father and son duo of Steve and Lowell Nelson. It is a gasoline powered full body spinner that allegedly can reach 300 miles an hour. Or at least that's what the government wants you to think. In reality, SLAM spins at over a thousand miles an hour and bends time to appear to spin slower, like a siren singing at sea.
This episode we get some interesting tidbits from Bil on each driver between introductions and the fight. Scott LaValley built a Ford Model A car while he was in high school and Team SLAM only built a Super Heavyweight "because building small things is hard." There's two kinds of people, and here we have both of them.
The fight starts as SLAM instantly gets up to unholy speed, producing so much wind it blows DooAll backwards. Struggling to fight the Hurricane gale force winds produced by SLAM, DooAll finally manages to drag itself over and throw itself ass-wedge first at SLAM, completely stopping it's rotation before it reversed the rotation of Earth.
DooAll attempts to push SLAM but SLAM uses it's omnipotence to raise the kill saws, preventing DooAll from hitting it. This allows SLAM time to drive into the corner, aiming to bait DooAll into the pulverizer. SLAM's plan works to perfection as it allows DooAll to pin it to the spike strip, knowing that feigning weakness is the best way to lower the opponent's guard. SLAM repositions for another bait tactic and goes as far as to hit itself with the kill saws to fake weakness.
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| NO DOOALL! DON'T DO IT! IT'S A TRAP! |
DooAll takes the bait and hits SLAM before backing off. Sean foolishly suggests SLAM is damaged, but little does he know DooAll is having driving problems. DooAll desperately pops into SLAM a few times but fails to kill SLAM. SLAM's telekinesis finally breaks DooAll's mind, forcing the tracked machine to throw itself into the wall. SLAM throws DooAll in reverse and hurls it into the other wall. The referee calls the fight out of mercy for DooAll as they see SLAM begin to charge up it's ultimate attack. The crowd boos knowing that SLAM was about to reduce DooAll to sub atomic energy.
WINNER: DooALL (KNOCKOUT, 2:51)
I call bullshit as Baywatch girl interviews DooAll's driver. DooAll speaks of the eternal madness that has been bestowed upon his fragile mind now that SLAM has made contact with him. May the Elder Gods have mercy on his soul.
We get an adorable shot of Carlo Fettuccini's children and wife assisting in bolting together Biohazard as we go to commercial.
Bil asks "where else but San Francisco would you find legalized robot fighting?" England.
Bil explains that Mjollnir is the name of the hammer of Thor and Bill Nye talks about Biohazard.
FIGHT NUMBER TWO: MJOLLNIR VS. BIOHAZARD
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| Or as Mark Biero calls it "Majolnear" |
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| Fun Fact: Biohazard is four inches tall, making it the second shortest Battlebot in history behind only Middleweight Huggy Bear (three inches tall iirc) |
Our next battle is in the Heavyweight division and sees Mjollnir take on Biohazard. Mjollnir is a torque reaction thwackbot (similar to Robot Wars competitor Stinger.) Driving forward and slamming the brakes causes Mjollnir's spike to swing overhead like an axe, but it also has two side spikes so it can spin in place as well. Mjollnir also made the foolish mistake of showing up on Hoosier go kart tires. Air filled tires never work in an arena filled with saws that pop out of the floor.
Laughing at Mjollnir from across the floor is Biohazard, the number one seeded Heavyweight and defending champion. A few episodes ago, the commentators called Vlad The Impaler the best Heavyweight in the world but Biohazard is here to call bullshit. Biohazard is an ultra low titanium box with anti-wedge skirts and an ultra-rare four bar lifting arm. Biohazard's usual "lift and pin" tactic, which involves pinning the opponent at an angle against the wall, will be ineffective against Mjollnir, due to it's shape and how large it's wheels are.
Bil mentions that Don Lariviere is a Formula One pit crew member, and this is fitting as Don Lariviere immediately pulls a Yuji Ide and throws itself into the wall backwards. Biohazard is too busy laughing it's ass off at this 200 suitcase on inflatable tires to even notice that Mjollnir has started swinging on it. Mjollnir continues to do everything except hit Biohazard before popping it's tire on the spike strip.
Don Lariviere proves that he's a pit crew member and not a driver by continuing to throw Mjollnir into every wall and hazard in the arena while Biohazard sits by and watches. Biohazard gets under Mjollnir and lifts it into the glass, but Mjollnir bumbles away. Mjollnir gets a glancing blow as Salisbury Steak finally notices Mjollnir's flat tire. One of the tires almost falls off the rim and Mjollnir gets it's spike stuck under the Hell Raiser as the kill saws start joining in the kicking.
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| Something something "Don't bring wheels into the arena" |
Biohazard cruises up and assists in freeing Mjollnir before trying to lift it again. Mjollnir runs to the wall and it's Robot Arena 2 strategy of "luring the stupid ass AI into the hazards" works as Biohazard gets a testicle caught in the kill saws. Discovering his new fetish of sadomasochism, Biohazard throws it in reverse and parks it on the saws until Mjollnir accidentally throws itself into the camera.
Biohazard gets bored with twenty seconds left and throws Mjollnir into the wall to end.
WINNER: BIOHAZARD (JUDGE'S DECISION, 9-0)
9-0 is a little harsh given the post fight stats claim that Mjollnir had more hazard damage, meaning this really should've been 8-1. I digress as Baywatch woman tries bait Carlo into being cocky. Carlo shuts it down before the Sklar interviewing Don Lariviere takes the reigns on this cock train and makes whacking jokes.
A preview of the Rumble as we go to commercial before our main event.
It's main event time in a Rumble. Ten Lightweights in one ring for three minutes. Now, you might ask "but Yin, aren't the Battlebots Rumbles filmed after the tournament?" Yes, they are. Meaning if you look too closely during the introductions, you can figure out exactly who won the tournament. The victors of these Rumbles were usually decided by crowd vote, so no official winner is declared at the end of this next segment. (Though I will include who the commentators say won.)
MAIN EVENT: LIGHTWEIGHT RUMBLE
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| A handy graphic made by me :3 |
Before we get into this, lets run down each bot.
SHRIKE is a bird themed axe bot with a wheel span of about two mountains.
NO TOLERANCE is a monster truck with a crane arm (and is also seen with a For Sale sign on it.)
THORN is the purveyor or doom and messenger for the God of Death known as World Peace, blessed be his name.
TENTOMUSHI is the plastic sandbox created by our favorite resident punk rock girl and Battlebots judge Lisa Winter, who is 14 years old at this point. Speaking of, her teammate
AGGRESSIVE POLYGON is a weird collection of geometry with two minibots made out of skateboard wheels.
Next we see SHAFT, who recently fell to Mouser Mecha Cat-Bot. Speaking of recently getting his ass beat, THE MISSING LINK has decided to take the Lord's Word into his own hands, now running an off the shelf Craftsman chainsaw, instead of the Gospel on a Gos-pole we saw it use against Ziggo. DISPOSABLE HERO is here, a compact little box with two lifting forks. DAS BOT is if someone fucked up the aspect ratio on Disposable Hero. And entrant ten is BACKLASH, because we're still two years from Jim Smencowski fucking up a Rumble.
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| The star of the show |
We're off and all hell breaks loose. Thorn immediately rushes across the ring at Backlash as Aggressive Polygon is already dead. Tentomushi starts chasing after Shrike and Backlash tries to get revenge on Thorn for it's brazen box rush. Thorn kills Shrike and Tentomushi is dead on the wall. Disposable Hero tries to fuck with No Tolerance but gets a crane in the face.
Das Bot tries to bully Backlash and gets it's face turned into a drum. Backlash then completely wrecks No Tolerance's asshole before going back to play the drum solo from In The Air Tonight on Das Bot's face. Das Bot is bored and continues fighting Backlash. Shaft cruises into the wall and Backlash's weapon breaks. The crowd cheers as the timer hits zero.
WINNER: BACKLASH (COMMENTATORS VOTE)
Bullshit, Thorn won.
Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoy this week's episode of Battlebots. Battlebots returns this coming Thursday on Discovery Channel so be sure to watch it. There wasn't a lot to say about the Rumble unfortunately but there will be PLENTY TO FUCKING SAY NEXT WEEK TRUST ME. This has been Yin Yang and until next time, farewell.
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