Hello everyone and welcome to an early morning edition of Beyond The Battlebox, a snarky review of a sport most have never heard of, but also 20 years ago. We're starting to settle into the first season of Battlebots on Comedy Central, but I'm also starting to settle into this blog. Last week's post got a wonderful amount of love, and seeing how well it's doing is a gift. So thank you all for your support.
This week's Beyond The Battlebox takes a look at Episode 4 (technically 5 but I didn't do the pilot episode because I'm an idiot) which originally aired on September 20th, 2000. Three fights are in store as usual, this time in the Lightweight, Middleweight and Super Heavyweight division. Let's do it to it.
AN APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION
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| I bet you didn't notice that I've used the exact same photo since episode 1 |
We open with a rundown of the card and into the sweet intro before seeing our favorite misfits in action Bil Dwy The Sexual Innuendo Guy and Salisbury Steak. Sean refers to the venue as "The House of Havoc" before calling Battlebots "the sport of the future." Given that the new season of Battlebots starts in 2 weeks, I'd say that he's correct.
We finally have an intro without explaining the rules of the sport and we go into the rundown for the first fight between Backlash and The Crusher. Bil calls Backlash's builder "Jim Smencowski", which in turn, screws up Salisbury Steak and he calls him "Smencowski as well." Bil has now discovered the art of mind control. Oh, here's a builder bio on Jim Smencowski.
MEET: JIM SMENTOWSKI, AVERAGE FAMILY MAN
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| Half man, half cowski |
Jim wheels Backlash into his garage by grabbing it by the blade as upbeat music plays in the background. Bil explains that Jim is a "peace loving man" before Jim explains that Backlash murdered some poor forgotten soul in about 10 seconds. Jim laughs as a bunch of shit is heard falling off his shelves off screen.
We see footage of Backlash beating the hell out of Disposable Hero from the pilot episode and an unidentified British man explains how helpful Jim is in the pits by lending him a part for the event. Little does he know, the Spirit of Smencowski now haunts his sanity for the rest of his days and he can now never go home as his spirit is locked in a vortex of darkness for eternity.
Jim's wife talks about pie and we see two random people suggest that Jim likes hunting their pets with Nightmare while also being naked. Jim's wife suggests they can only be happy if they have a three car garage and we're out.
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| The Sklars, seen here bullying a random man |
After the builder's bio we get the Sklars harassing Tom Tolbert in the crowd. After a bit of research, this man is a basketball player. According to Wikipedia, he played seven seasons in the NBA and retired five years before this aired. I cannot seem to find any real reason for him to be here. He says some shit and we're off to the first fight
FIGHT NUMBER ONE: BACKLASH VS. THE CRUSHER
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| Because running Nightmare isn't enough |
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| A wedge with the most imaginative name in history |
Our inaugural contest is in the Lightweight division and is contested between Backlash and The Crusher. Backlash is basically mini Nightmare, so it shares it's bigger brother's weaponry and brute force. Unfortunately for it, it also shares Nightmare's weakness of being top heavy and easy to flip over. The Crusher is a wedge built by a ten year old, and being a wedge means it can tip Backlash over.
Bil calls Backlash a pizza cutter (not wrong) and makes a bull joke about The Crusher being red. The buzzer hits and The Crusher invents the nyoom technique by speeding across the floor, missing Backlash and ramming itself head first into the wall. A young Will Bales takes notes at home as Backlash starts chasing The Crusher around.
The Crusher gets flipped by Backlash but the cameras miss it. In an attempt to right itself, The Crusher charges the wall, but only succeeds in parking itself at a weird angle on top of the spike strip. Backlash cruises over and proves it can't hit a stationary object by smacking the wall.
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| The Crusher is about to...get crushed :D |
Backlash frees the wedge from the wall and The Crusher throws it in reverse over the killsaws, which hurl The Crusher through the air. Backlash boops The Crusher a few more times and The Crusher parks itself on top of the spikes again. Backlash looks on in complete and utter confusion before cruising over and carving a dick into The Crusher's ass.
Backlash hits The Crusher at an angle to try to flip it back over. Backlash fails and The Crusher gets counted out.
WINNER: BACKLASH (KNOCKOUT, 1:43)
Bil laughs at Jim beating a ten year old before throwing to Deonna D'Errico (which scares me). Jim gifts Gus the broken weapon axle off Backlash as a momento. Gus is now entrapped in this eternal Hell with that British guy from earlier.
We see Ilya Polyakov do his best impression of the Robot Wars arena hazards as we go to commercial.
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| Remember to always use your grinders with no safety equipment |
We come back to see Ilya "putting the finishing touches" on a robot that appears to be completely disassembled. Bil notices that Sean hasn't changed his pants in 4 weeks and Sean throws to the next fight between Blade Runner and Bad Attitude. Bil makes Sean crack with a joke about Ilya's hometown of Dix Hills, New York. Sean, needing time to recover, throws to Bil Nyer instead.
Bill calls Bad Attitude's weapon a "high speed band saw and saw tooth wedge." Bill brings up Bad Attitude's five inch thick armor and Sean finally recovers from Bil's dick joke just in time for our second fight.
FIGHT NUMBER TWO: BLADE RUNNER VS. BAD ATTITUDE
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| Nothing the god of biomechanics wouldn't let you into heaven for |
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| Fun Fact: Thomas Petruccelli fought combat robots until his death in 2010 at age 74. |
The next battle is in the Middleweight division and is between two of my personal favorite bots of all time, Blade Runner and Bad Attitude. Blade Runner is a meltybrain thwackbot (though the meltybrain in it never really worked). Despite this, Blade Runner is still one of the more successful and memorable sit and spin thwackbots in history.
Across from it is a machine that straight doesn't give a fuck. Bad Attitude is built by a 64 year old Army veteran and is a wedge that moves at the speed of light because fuck you. Besides Bad Attitude, Thomas Petruccelli also built The Crusher, the wedge we just saw get it's head kicked in by Backlash.
We see a plant in the crowd holding his Bad Attitude sign upside down and the buzzer sounds. Sean predicts the future again by suggesting Battlebots market t-shirts with "it's robot fighting time" on them. Blade Runner and Bad Attitude share some love taps before Blade Runner gets up to speed.
Bad Attitude backs off as Blade Runner rips a sweet donut in the middle of the arena. Blade Runner gets bored and stops and Bad Attitude charges it with a glancing blow. Blade Runner starts spinning as Bad Attitude backs up and Blade Runner nails it in the wheel guard, pinning down the wheels on Bad Attitude's side.
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| Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? |
One of Ilya's teammates explains that Blade Runner can spin at sixty miles and hour and that "when stuff hits stuff, stuff breaks." Blade Runner and Bad Attitude get lodged together and Thomas accepts defeat as Bad Attitude is counted out.
WINNER: BLADE RUNNER (KNOCKOUT, 1:24)
Some girl shakes her tits for Blade Runner and Randy Sklar tries to joke with Ilya. Ilya has none of it and we see about six people working on Grendel as we go to commercial.
We come back to see a group of people working on Diesector before we drive home that both drivers are from San Diego. Salisbury Steak dubs this fight the "Battle Of San Diego" and we get an on-location with the Sklars.
THE BATTLE OF SAN DIEGO
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| If I didn't know better, I'd think this was the opening shot of an Adam Sandler movie |
The Sklars hype up this fight like the fate of San Diego rests on this battle as Donald Hutson introduces himself and Daniel Rupert of Grendel is sitting on a bench with Dean Malenko's WCW entrance music playing in the background. Donald tells Sklar #1 that he wants to be the best in San Diego and we see Diesector destroy a brick. Sklar #2 asks Daniel if the winner will fuck bitches, and gets no response.
Donald says he rules (not wrong) and Sklar #2 asks if Grendel fucks. We see Grendel doing donuts and Donald says that Diesector exists only to kill. Sklar #2 asks if Grendel is secretly La Parka before Daniel says he's looking for world domination. I'm sure the Mauler team appreciate the challenge.
FIGHT NUMBER THREE: GRENDEL VS DIESECTOR
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| Fun Fact: Grendel's weapon is powered by a garage door spring and it's name is a Beowulf reference |
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| Your one stop shop for literally every goddamn weapon type in the sport |
Our main event is in the Super Heavyweight division and is between Grendel and Diesector. Grendel is built by Daniel Rupert and is a 325 pound box with a big ass spring powered axe on it. Grendel may have a big weapon, but it's got nothing on the menagerie of weapons on it's opponent, Mutant Robots' Diesector. Diesector looks like a crocodile from the depths of Hell and has two pickaxes and a set of jaws on it.
Donald Hutson still competes to this day and can be spotted with his six goddamn Giant Nuts in the upcoming Battlebots season with Lock Jaw. We saw Donald compete in the Heavyweights with Tazbot a bit back, seen getting it's ass beat by Vlad The Impaler. The buzzer sounds and Grendel fires its weapon for no reason.
Diesector starts beating Grendel's ass but takes Grendel's axe in the jaws. Diesector dances around Grendel but gets it's wheel jammed between two spikes on the spike strip. Grendel's weapon takes half a year to retract but we get a dramatic shot of it doing so before Grendel impales Diesector perfectly on the seam between two armor plates.
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| [REQUIEM FOR A DREAM INTENSIFIES] |
Stabbing Diesector in the asscheeks wasn't enough, so Grendel nails it again. Diesector gets counted out as Donald inspects his remote control.
WINNER: GRENDEL (KNOCKOUT, 1:36)
We see a guy eat shit on a surfboard as we go to commercial.
Coming back we see the cameraman terrorise the city of San Francisco with a giant crab. Bil says that Grendel looks like a dragon from a school play (not wrong) and runs down the highlights. Our Hit of the Week is Grendel stabbing Diesector and we're out.
Thank you all for reading and I hope you've enjoyed. This episode was relatively lackluster compared to the previous weeks so hopefully I made it entertaining. Next week, we get some interesting machines and our first Rumble. Can't wait to see you all there. Until next time farewell.
(No meme this week, so enjoy this photo of Thomas Petruccelli being a badass in the Army)
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