Battlebots 1.0 Episode 1 | Beyond The Battlebox

 Hello everyone and welcome to the first of many editions of Beyond The Battlebox, a satirical, sometimes funny, nevertimes serious review of all things robot combat. Whether it's Battlebots, Robot Wars, Robotica or whatever weird bullshit I find on the internet, I am on a never ending quest to watch it, make fun of it, then ramble about it for 24 paragraphs on this website before making you read it.

 We start this off with the first episode of the first season of Battlebots on Comedy Central (oh boy), originally airing on August 23rd, 2000! Robot combat was very much starting to gain steam here, following 3 events in the mid 90s, as well as the Long Beach and Las Vegas events in 1999. So let's see how they were getting on 20 years ago.

[Credit to the Combat Robot Archives on YouTube for providing the footage!]

What in the hell have I gotten myself into?

 

Introduction To The Box

 The show begins with a rundown of tonight's fight card, followed by the single most 2000's intro video to ever exist outside of a Sega Dreamcast. Not only is the intro pretty sweet, it also spoils the entire rest of the season, so just don't look at it that closely and you'll be fine.

 Following this, we go to the single brownest room in television history to meet our commentators, Bil Dwyer, who was/is a stand-up comedian and radio host, and Sean Salisbury, a former Sportsball runner for the Minnesota Wild or something. That's not important as Salisbury Steak calls this "the mother of all robot fighting tournaments", which I would call bullshit on if I didn't know that a year earlier in England, a stolen road sign on wheels defeated some cinder blocks to win a championship.

 Sean casually throws in a reference to the $5,000 prize money for the winner before Bil runs down the rules for every fight. Afterwards, Sean starts running down the arena hazards, which include the killsaws, some anal probes out of the floor, and literal Lowe's 10 pound sledgehammers that appear to hit with the force of a wet pool noodle. 

 Sean states that the competitors need to beware specifically of the Ramrods (the aforementioned anal probes) and Bil knocks out his first underhanded dick reference by seguing to introducing pit reporter Donna D'Errico of Baywatch "fame" and Box-side interviewers Randy and Jason Sklar (we'll fucking get into these people later). Oh, also Bill Nye The Science Guy is here to choke out random tech speak before setting a globe on fire or something.

Sean already looks fed up with Bil's shit

FIGHT NUMBER ONE: ZIGGO VS THE MISSING LINK

uwu rawr >:3

Do you have a moment to hear the Good Word?

 Our first fight of the night is in the Lightweight division (max weight limit of 60 pounds/27 keelos) and it's between Ziggo, a closet furry made out of a literal cooking wok, and The Missing Link, which has foregone it's usual chainsaw weapon for a Bible on a stick.

 The graphics describe Missing Link's weapon as a "spear with a blunt object tip", or in layman's terms, a hammer. We throw to Mark Beiro, legendary face punchy sport announcer, who introduces the two competitors by weight and such like a real face punchy sport. 

It was at this moment he knew, Ziggo was resistant to Jesus

 Salisbury Steak predicts the future by saying that Missing Link's Bible pole "won't last long." Way to show some goddamn faith in a guy who, just a year ago, duct taped a Wal-Mart toy to a wedge kit. Sean delivers the least enthusiastic "it's robot fighting time" in history as the horn sounds and Bil Dwyer yells "God help us all." You and me both.

 The Hell Raisers offer Missing Link a sick Hot Wheels jump at Ziggo but instead he swerves around them as Ziggo starts to get up to speed. Missing Link's Bible on a stick works decently at corraling Ziggo into the corner of the box, but Ziggo easily darts past the cumbersome Missing Link. Sean humors Bil with a factoid about Missing Link's weapon, stating that it's to keep Ziggo at an arm's reach so it can't hit the frame of Missing Link. Bil, who was distracted by the word "pole", quips that he thought it was used to "find nickels at the beach." This is gonna be a long season.

 

Tis but a scratch.

 After a few more small exchanges, Ziggo strolls up and casually clips Missing Link's left wheel off. Missing Link starts doing sweet donuts by the red square while Ziggo watches. This attempt at hypnotizing Ziggo fails as the cat pulls up and almost tears the religion off of Missing Link. Sean humors Bil once more by asking him if metal is stronger than wood, to which Bil replies "it's the new millennium, man." I don't know what the fuck that means.

 Missing Link starts it's hypnotic middle eastern dance routine again as Sean, in a fit of hysteria driven by his ability to see the future, yells "don't turn your back" in hopes of saving Missing Link's asshole from what is about to happen. It doesn't matter as Ziggo is already behind Missing Link and Missing Link is already dead (nani?) as Ziggo rolls up and shoves it's fist up Missing Link's ass as Sean yells "he turned his back!" Missing Link's right wheel twitches before running away.

 The Killsaws give Missing Link a parting kick in the junk while asking "where is your God now" as the crowd gives Ziggo a standing ovation. Insert Bible reference here haha big funny.

"How about we call it a draw?"

WINNER: ZIGGO (KNOCKOUT, 1:18)

 Jason Bardis shows off Missing Link's destroyed balls to Randy Sklar, who refers to Ziggo as "Zeego." Randy Sklar stops Johnathan Ridder to shake Bardis' hand while he talks about Bill Clinton. The two awkwardly shake hands like two siblings forced to hug after Dad caught them fighting in the living room. We see Jim Smentowski force Mark Setrakian into hard labor by carrying Nightmare onto the weighing area as we cut to commercial.

 We come back with Sean stating that he and Bil have the best seats in the house, which Bil (who wasn't paying attention) makes Sean crack by making a butt joke. After running down the battle cards, Sean throws to Bill Nye, who states the obvious about Nightmare before then looking off screen, presumably to check if his Hot Pocket in the microwave is done.

MEET THE TILFORDS

If "Alaskan Bush People" was based in Southern California

 Bil throws to something of a "builder's bio" on Mauler. Where we meet "Supreme Commander And Chief Engineer" Charles Tilford "of the South Bay Robo-Warriors." "Dungeon Master" Charles Tilford introduces us to his two sons, "Generals" Morgan and Henry, and his greatest son, Mauler 2000, seen without it's weapon looking like a graffitied garbage can. "Emperor of Outworld" Charles Tilford states that Mauler's goal is "complete robotic domination worldwide." Unfortunately for it, the Robot Wars tech crew was the only thing standing in it's way.

 The two sons claim they're taking over the world before Morgan puts an egg labeled "brain" on a robot toy and smashes it with a hammer labeled "Mauler." The segment ends with Morgan wanting to turn Mauler's enemies into dungeon bitches for money as "Captain of The USS Enterprise" Charles Tilford laughs like an android learning how to be human.

Not the worst robot with a brain to be seen on Battlebots.

FIGHT NUMBER TWO: MAULER VS NIGHTMARE

Yes, those are chain flails, on a heavyweight spinner.

The literal reason why this arena has a roof.

 Our next fight is in the Heavyweight division (210 pound/whatever England kulos weight limit) is between Mauler, who we just saw bully a baby chicken and talk about pissing on the moon or some shit, and Nightmare, a robot so powerful it created the arena roof (if you didn't know, at the last event Nightmare made it rain on them hoes by hurling debris over the arena wall. This act of pure bullshittery was met by the officials adding a ceiling to the Battlebox, but they had not won the war yet..) 

 Mark Beiro calls Mauler a "210 pound squat bot that squats a lot." It seems Salisbury Steak wasn't the only one looking at someone's iron-clad asscheeks. Mark finishes his introductions by saying Nightmare was "machined for destruction", which isn't wrong. This fight between the Bane of Ceilings and the only robot even the British didn't want already has the safety crew on an oxygen tank.

 Sean brings up the battle of vertical vs horizontal, to which Bil throws another sex joke in. Even if he isn't paying attention because he's busy trying to count the number of hairs on the pet squirrel that has invaded his desk, Bil is still focused enough to land sex jokes like he's getting a $200 bonus for each one. The ref asks Mauler if they're ready, to which Morgan Tilford is possessed by the spirit of Macho Man Randy Savage, and delivers an oooh yeah before presumably eating 6 Slim Jims at once. Speaking of Jims, Jim "Smencowski" (as Bil calls him because he's learning all about animals today) is also ready.

 The Hell Raisers offer Nightmare the same diving elbow drop they offered Missing Link but like he who came before, Nightmare drives around instead as Mauler gets up to speed, also like Ziggo. It's good to see nobody learned a goddamn thing. 

 Nightmare pulls up to Mauler, who proceeds to tickle it until it's wheel falls off and rolls away. Sean states that the spiral design on Mauler's top is to "create a vortex that sucks the psychic energy out of it's opponents", but Bil only heard the word "suck" and he snaps back to paying attention.

tfw you mauler just right

Bil hopes the wheel fairy brings Nightmare a spare tonight as Mauler starts trying to use the arena wall to slow itself down as the brake isn't working on the spinner. Mauler tries to use Nightmare to stop but Jim telekinetically threatens him with death for a thousand years so Mauler goes and breaks a spike off the wall before the arena crew tells Morgan to knock it off.

 Bil proves he has object permanents now as he identifies Nightmare's wheel perfectly. Mauler wins by a "destructive knockout", because I guess beating the Jesus out of someone wasn't "destructive" in the same way beating up the arena wall is.

WINNER: MAULER (KNOCKOUT, :46)

rest in bepis wall pole 1999-2000

  Sklar is surrounded by the Tilfords as they talk about how good they feel. Morgan states that his advantage was the "psychic void", in which Sklar talks about how much they suck him in. D'Eonnica D'Errico reminds you she's here by making a nightmare pun and that's it. Hard cut to Team Minus Zero getting Frenzy ready. Adverts!

Subscribe to my onlyfans for the full uncensored photo <3

 We come back to find Christian Carlberg of Team CoolRobots cockteasing Overkill to the camera as Bil gets progressively horny. Christian starts to pull the protective foreskin off of Overkill's long, thin metal dong as Bil says he paid good money for this. Bil dreams about Overkill jumping out of a cake before finally popping his boner he's had all night.

 Salisbury Steak says something and Bil lands the quip that Battlebots would coin as it's slogan for the next 20 years, "when sparks fly, robots die." Sean proves he can read by reading the back of the teams' shirts before introducing us to Overkill.

MEET: OVERKILL, WORLD'S DEADLIEST SLAP CHOP

mood amirite?

 We see a bunch of broken shit as Bil gets philosophical about the destruction caused by the greed of humanity before we cut to Overkill breaking a bunch of chotchkies in a parking lot behind a car dealership. Christian calls robot building a passion before we see him use Overkill's weapon to cut up a sandwich and a watermelon.

 The segment ends with Overkill breaking a fish tank with a dead fish in it, then using the power of the time lord DIO himself to repair the tank. How can Frenzy possibly defeat a stand user?

At this moment, Ed Robinson decided the fish needed to fight back

 Bill Nye drops some sick knowledge on Frenzy, which is powered by a treadmill motor and armored in aircraft aluminium. Bill then drops the ball by calling Frenzy's hammer "hydraulic", which it isn't. So close, but the word you're looking for is "electric." Better luck on the next $10,000 Pyramid, Bill.

 Sean Salisbury, being the evil master of ceremonies he is, drops a stipulation for this fight by stating Patrick Campbell and Christian Carlberg are good friends, and that Patrick actually drove Christian and Overkill to the venue. Christian better be careful, cause his ass might not have a ride home if he tries to pull some bullshit in this one.

MAIN EVENT: OVERKILL VS FRENZY

If Stinger from Robot Wars UK watched one Stallone movie

A fucking meat tenderizer.

  Mark Beiro proves that Jonathan Pearce isn't the only mixmaster beat dropper of robot combat by riding the beat in calling Overkill a "heinous haymaker". MC Marky B. isn't done parallel parking on the track yet because he then drops some verbal napalm with Frenzy, calling him a "terrifying titanium titan". Mark Beiro drops the mic, which turns into thermite and melts through the arena floor as he moonwalks out the door as Bil moves to the colors portion of his learning packet tonight and notes that Frenzy is yellow.

 Sean drops the first "the box is locked, the lights are on, it's robot fighting time" as both bots look to charge. The Hell Raisers beg someone to do the cool jump but neither of them want it. The Hell Raisers retreat back to the floor to write on their Tumblr blog about how dejected they are and how nobody loves them despite them being annoying piles of shit that just get in people's way.

 

For the next three minutes: exactly nothing

 Frenzy and Overkill spend the next several seconds trying to line each other up but neither can land anything. Bil compliments the sound team for syncing up the anvil.wav sound effect from Minecraft with Overkill's knife hitting the floor. Frenzy actually gets a lift on Overkill when the Hell Raisers, back from cutting up it's My Chemical Romance t-shirt, finally decides to do something and tilts Frenzy downwards, letting Overkill drive on top of it.

  Frenzy and Overkill park on top of the Hell Raisers and swing at each other before the Kill Saws hurl Overkill away. Frenzy comes back to finish the job but proceeds to beat the fuck out of the floor instead. Overkill, seeing Frenzy activate it's distraction dance technique, joins it in interrogating the arena floor. It was all a rouse though and Frenzy pins Overkill in the corner before smacking Overkill in the weapon with it's weapon arm.

Overkill really reaching for the stuck fetish fans

 An alternative camera angle shows that the arena spikes are jammed up Overkill's ass as Frenzy repositions to continue it's ass beating. A pop up video of Frenzy builder Patrick Campbell appears, in which he's half asleep telling us how Frenzy's weapon weighs ten points. I know I got distracted at the start of this segment by Ol' Beiry Bastard showing that he ain't nothing to fuck with but this is a Heavyweight division fight. These are 210 pound robots and Frenzy is armed with a fucking meat tenderizer and Overkill brought one of those goofy ass fantasy swords you find at the mall.

 Ineffective weaponry aside, the two machines also can't get each other in their sights. Overkill returns to the spike and takes it even deeper in the rectum while also beating the shit out of the barricade between the hammer and the entry ramp. Bil gets bored of Overkill indulging in it's deep penetration bondage fantasy and demands to see some hits.

 Overkill frees itself from the wall and backs away as Frenzy follows. The two continue their cat fight before chasing each other around. Arena hazard operator Pete Lambertson gets bored too and starts playing with the buttons on the hazards as the 20 seconds clock pops up. Bil requests Frenzy do damage to a 210 pound metal robot with a meat tenderizer but it doesn't happen and we go to the judges.

Patrick Campbell, seen here questioning life

 We go to replays as Bil gets pissed at a deaf waitress. Then we see Frenzy, presumably in a deep state of depression before going to the decision.

WINNER OVERKILL (JUDGE'S DECISION, 7-2)

 Salisbury Steak throws to Donna, who compares the fight to a Little League game. Patrick shuts her ignorant ass up by explaining that Frenzy being two wheel drive makes it hard to control. We then cut to Randy Sklar injuring himself on Overkill's blade while Christian explains that he couldn't bring himself to fight his friend as they must team up to fight their biggest nemesis: the arena floor. It is unknown if the floor paid them the money it owed them.

 We send to the credits with the Hit of the Week, which was Ziggo converting Missing Link to Buddhism.

Thank you everyone for reading the first edition of Beyond The Battlebox. I hope you all enjoyed it. This is my first time ever doing anything like this, and I had a blast. I wrote this entire thing at 4 in the morning because I have insomnia and also better things to do than sleep. This was a random idea I had after the unfortunate sudden disappearance of BattlebotsUpdate. I know he isn't around anymore so maybe I can try to fill that void in the community.

 Thank you for reading, and until next time, farewell.